The longest year yet

Or will it be the shortest?

My son has passed the one-year mark and we’re overjoyed that we can now say he has “LESS THAN ONE YEAR” to serve of his two-and-a-half year sentence in Arizona’s Department of Corrections.

Hopefully, the days will fly by for him, his wife and daughter, and all who know and love him, and then he’ll be in the loving arms of his family.

Let’s get this out of the way first. Does he deserve to be there? Of course. His actions and choices made in the throes of his addiction determined his consequences. In fact, considering the state’s strict sentencing code that leaves no room for a judge to consider a case on its own merits, his 2.5 years are actually a lenient sentence.

But I can see how my daughter-in-law struggles with missing him as much or more now than in the early days of his incarceration. As his mother, seeing him in a prison environment is painful. But seeing what his 3-year-old daughter is feeling is far more painful.

She was just 18 months old when he went away, so she couldn’t verbalize her feelings at that time. Now she can.

At our last prison visit earlier this month, she asked, “Daddy, can you come home with me today?”

Her mom said she knows all the kids’ fathers at the day care center and wonders why her daddy can’t be there with her.

Thinking back to the early days, when I knew there was a problem but didn’t know what to do about it, I’d still like to strangle our neighborhood drug dealer.

Am I totally nuts or have you ever felt this way? When does that pain ease?

And there’s an even bigger concern. Will my son--could he--ever relapse again? Let me know about your own experiences and pain.

My first exposure to huffing

A recent episode of the “Intervention” series on A&E highlighted a young woman who was addicted to huffing. Since we’re accustomed to seeing needles, powder and pipes or massive numbers of bottles on this program, it was strange to see her affinity for everyday aerosol cans.

Although her drug of choice was different than those I’m more familiar with, the resulting chaos in her life looked just the same. As her loved ones watched her life waste away before their eyes, they experienced the same pain as does the family of an alcoholic or meth addict.

They felt there wasn’t much time left, and they had to take action if she were going to stay alive. It’s the way most families feel when a loved one’s addiction to alcohol or illicit drugs has deepened and the addict’s life has become a train wreck.

It was truly a case of “life or death.” Thankfully, we saw this young woman move from a position that was seriously resistant to going into treatment, to a patient who was learning and growing, more committed to the next steps in her recovery.

It gives me hope when I see the transformation that can occur. I trust you’re encouraged by these programs too.

http://ncadistore.samhsa.gov/catalog/facts.aspx?topic=5

http://technorati.com/claim/fdue6cy2ga

Rehab and relapse . . .

Again, another new television series focusing on the problems of addiction. This time it features celebrities—some well-known names, others lesser known.

VH1 will begin airing “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Pinsky” this coming Thursday and it may be helpful in educating the public about addiction as a life-long struggle. During the series, actor Daniel Baldwin says he’s been in rehab at least nine times. Just like the addicts in our families.

So many people don’t understand the battle. Parents and other family members do, though.

It can be so disappointing when a loved one relapses. With relapse comes a flood of memories, some of them very painful, when our child's previous drug or alcohol use had created a crisis involving their health, the well-being of family members, or the legal system that intervened. Followed by apprehension about what will happen next.

Maybe as this new series offers insight into the pain and emotional scars of these celebrities who battle their addictions, we’ll find new insight into coping with the ups and downs our own family members face. Let me know what you think.

The show debuts at 10 p.m. Thursday, January 10, on VH1.

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http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/jan/06/ba-rehab-and-relapse-go-hand-in-hand-series-shows/

Happy New Year?

Between traveling over the holidays and preparing for a cross-country move (the sixth in my lifetime!), I’ve been too busy to write. But so many thoughts have been rattling around in my head.

The new year brings with it a new phase of life. Some of us are anticipating all the good that may come with it, while others are dreading the changes that will happen.

This year will hold both sorrow and joy for my family. The consequences of addiction and relapse have been dealt out, and a price will be paid for unwise choices made while under the influence. It means change for all of us but big change for me.

After the past year which might best be described as a giant train wreck, I’m trusting that 2008 will bring good change. I’ll be able to see little ones grow, while spending more time with loved ones in recovery.

And I’m committed to maintaining balance in my own life, which will mean finding a good support group to help me make sure I don’t slip into codependency.

I'm expecting a year of adventure. What’s your plan for the new year?

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The Disease of Addiction

Five young people died of drug abuse during the last year in a small community outside Austin, Texas. The mother of 25-year-old Travis Morford, who died of an overdose of Xanax and alcohol, knew she had to do something.

So she and four other mothers founded Disease of Addiction, or DOA, to help people in their community think about underage drinking and drug use, and the risk of addiction. Kudos to them!

Their first public event, a town hall meeting at a local high school, was titled “I’m Your Disease” and drew 400 people. A great start . . . but can they really change the culture? Can they make a dent in the thinking that brought about the deaths of five young people in just one year? What do you think?

http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/local/11/23/1123addiction.html

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They are our daughters

NOT ripped from the tabloids . . .

Everyone is tired of hearing about the Lindsay Lohan-Britney Spears-Whitney Houston-Amy Winehouse revolving rehab doors. And we’re tired of the way the media has glamorized their addiction problems. I’ll spare the gory details here.

Instead, why isn’t the media portraying the stories of REAL addicted women?

Because it’s a sobering (no pun intended), sad look at lives impoverished, destitute, nearly destroyed. This week author Yvonne Scruggs-Leftwich provided an eye-opening commentary for AOL’s Women’s eNews.

I point it out to you as important reading for Recovery Month 2007. These are our daughters, our sisters, our nieces. Yes, they are responsible for the choices they’ve made that took them to these depths. But as family members of those who are addicted to alcohol and drugs, what is our responsibility?

And I ask again, what can we do to prevent our granddaughters from making those same life-altering choices? Who has the answers?

http://www.womensenews.org/article.cfm?aid=3311

http://www.recoverymonth.gov/

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Wise words from a rocker

Rocker-star-idol, that is—not the kind you sit in on the front porch down south.

It’s National Drug & Alcohol Addiction Recovery Month. And I never thought I’d take seriously anything the founder of the rock band Motley Crue might say. But former heroin addict Nikki Sixx spoke recently on Capitol about addiction and recovery, and I was impressed.

Check it out for yourself. Do you agree with his comments about the family in recovery?

I liked his final words: “Close the door on destruction and celebrate recovery.” That's where my family is today and it's a good place to be.


http://headbangersblog.mtv.com/?s=nikki+sixx

http://www.recoverymonth.gov/

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It's about time . . .

Finally, the societal crisis that is being created by the manufacture, distribution, sales and use of methamphetamine is being addressed by prevention and law enforcement authorities.

Several years ago when I took a social marketing position with a federal government contractor at SAMHSA’s National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information, just one small piece of prevention information about methamphetamine was available in our vast warehouse.

I was shocked. Having lived in Southern California for more than 20 years, I knew through the media and personal family experience how this substance ravages lives, families, homes and communities.

This isn’t just a western problem or an urban issue. Some states are already in crisis and others are close behind.

And in the Midwest, where down-home values have been the hallmark of daily life, meth is changing life as residents know it.

Learn more about the meth crisis in several small Missouri towns when the A and E Network airs “Meth: A County in Crisis®” this Friday, September 7. You’ll see the personal stories of everyone affected—addicts and their families, law enforcement officials, hospitals, pharmacies.

Above all, don't think meth is a problem that doesn't concern you and your community.

http://www.aetv.com/listings/episode_details.do?episodeid=184649

http://ncadi.samhsa.gov/

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On being part of the sandwich generation

It’s been an action-packed couple of weeks for me, and I didn’t have time to sit at the computer. A week after being away for a week, I’m still cleaning up hundreds of unopened messages in my work and personal email boxes.

I decided to take a road trip to visit my elderly mother. Thankfully, my sister lives near her and the trip confirmed what I already suspected. It helped to see Mom in her surroundings. We’ve known her memory is slipping very fast, and the changes I’ve observed in just eight months are alarming.

She’ll see a new doctor next month and wants to be tested for dementia, and as far as I’m concerned, it can’t be too soon.

During the first two days of my Florida trip I drove 1,200 miles, while receiving phone calls from my homeless son and daughter-in-law who were detoxing, hungry and having major car problems in Arizona’s 115-degree heat, all with nowhere to go.

A young man who's been in their shoes said if they were going to succeed in staying clean, they needed to be told what to do. They weren't capable of clear, rational thinking in those first days. So as I drove, my friend in Missouri researched family and social service organizations online for them to contact. But did you know homeless agencies are closed on weekends? Yes, at least in Arizona they are.

They survived that week of hunger, exhaustion, loneliness and reliance on the kindness of strangers and family, and are now safely starting over at the Kaiser Family Center. It’s a wonderful program helping homeless families with young children in Phoenix get back on their feet.

How reassuring it is to hear the difference in their voices as they find themselves and regain wholeness once again, attending Crystal Meth Anonymous meetings, working to rebuild a home, becoming productive members of society and responsible parents.

Each day, I still entrust them and the baby to God’s care. And I’ve added Mom to that list too. Yeah, I could definitely be the poster girl for the sandwich generation.

http://www.salvationarmycares.org/yearround.asp

http://crystalmeth.org/

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Making a difference in Yuma

The Yuma Sun reported a heartwarming story this weekend.

A group has been started to help those in the community who have been victimized by meth addicts. They trying to educate the parents, spouses and children of someone addicted to meth about how to tell if they're being victimized - and what to do next. In addition, they also want to serve those who are victims of crimes involving meth.

As I've read in articles from other parts of the country, people are so often reluctant to talk about it. Why is that so??

I applaud the efforts of the Yuma County Meth Nucleus Group and wish them much success in helping their community cope with the effects of this insidious drug.

http://www.yumasun.com/news/meth_35691___article_news.html/people_group.html

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Keeping it simple

Earlier this week, the daily entry in the little book One Day at a Time in Al-Anon offered me a good reminder.

As the mother of an actively using meth addict with a 1-year-old baby, my life can be full of uncertainty and turmoil—although they’re 2,000 miles away. In times of trouble, when my mind is racing, it can be hard to slow down, think through what’s happening and change my focus. But it helps to focus on one idea or concept that can bring quiet and serenity.

Often, I try to concentrate on gratitude. Listing those things for which I’m thankful, either mentally or on paper, focuses my thoughts and gives me a more positive outlook almost instantaneously.

When I’m trying to make a decision--especially one I’ve prayed about--the Al-Anon concept “Keep it simple” is an excellent reminder. It helps clear my mind so I can receive God’s guidance in the situations at hand.

A scripture that has been especially comforting to me throughout the past 14 years is Psalm 62:5-6—Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress—I will not be shaken.

I’m always interested in how others cope with their times of trouble. What have you found to be helpful?

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

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'Meth is OUR problem'

Over the past month, a Clovis, New Mexico, paper published an exellent series about the methamphetamine crisis.

Now in a follow-up opinion piece, the author of that series has shared her emotions about the experience of writing those articles and her compassion for the families of meth addicts that she met. Especially the mothers.

It touched my heart. But then, it's a subject I know well.

Helena Rodriguez has done a wonderful job of shedding light on this darkly disturbing problem. But she found not many people are willing to talk about it.

Has that been your experience? And I wonder, is that true of other drug problems? Heroin, cocaine, oxycontin. Are people more willing to talk about these drug problems and if so, why is that?

I believe that meth is the biggest problem drug our country faces today, and its effects are going to be felt in generations to come. Let's talk more and DO more to eradicate this insidious drug!

http://www.cnjonline.com/opinion/meth_22323___article.html/people_problem.html

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Prevention ads are working in Montana

Keeping young teens from trying drugs is such a daunting task.

Our federal government has poured hundreds of millions of dollars into prevention campaigns in recent years, but it doesn't seem to be making a difference. I've had conversations with my addicted son over the years about how to keep kids from experimenting with drugs, and he didn't have a pat answer.

Now, businessman and Montana rancher Tom Siebel has come along and gotten involved in the fight. When he learned how serious the methamphetamine problem had become in that state, he decided to do something about it.

The Montana Meth Project was born. Compelling TV public service announcements have "significantly reduced first-time use" and helped reduce meth use overall in that state. And I'm really glad to hear the state of Arizona has also begun to air these startling TV spots.

They're the most graphic, in-your-face prevention spots I've ever seen. Learn more about the project and take a look yourself. Do you think they're effective?

I hope other states buy into them and through their airing, we can begin to chip away at the horrifying statistics related to meth use. And spare families from the pain and agony of an addicted child.

https://www.montanameth.org/index.php

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Tough love for addicts: more love, less tough?

I found an interesting podcast today. It’s a discussion with Laurence Westreich, MD, author of the new book Helping the Addict You Love: The New Effective Program for Getting the Addict into Treatment.

Dr. Westreich has all the right credentials. In addition to being a board-certified psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of patients dually diagnosed with addiction and mental disorders, he is associate professor of clinical psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine and serves as the consultant on drugs of abuse to Major League Baseball.

In his book (and the podcast), he suggests that families “use a combination of creative engagement and constructive coercion to push addicted members into treatment. Threats and ultimatums are less helpful,” he says, “than are multiple and lovingly delivered confrontations that continually push the addicted family member towards obtaining treatment.”

Traditionally, family members have been encouraged to use "tough love" in dealing with an addicted family member. But Dr. Westreich fears that too many families emphasize the "tough" over the "love".

Interesting. Through the years, I’ve thought most parents have found the tough part to be more difficult.

Take a few minutes to listen to the podcast, then tell me what you think. Are families too tough on the addict? Not tough enough? I’d like to know what you’ve observed.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=weblog&wlid=9&id=242&cn=14

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Thoughts in circles

This is one of those days when the thoughts just keep going in circles.

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks and a while since I’ve had a chance to write. So many thoughts, so little time.

I was able to see my son and his family last week, and my greatest concern was how the baby was doing after these chaotic months that happened to be key ones in her development.

The joy: she seems to be a healthy and happy about-to-turn-one-year old, and I was so blessed to get to see her really start to walk. After putting one or two steps together, she moved on to four, five and six steps at a time before falling. By the time I left, she was walking across the room without falling. Yay!!

The heartbreak: wondering if she is really getting the nurturing, hugs and kisses when she needs them. Wondering how long it will be before she can just go to sleep in her own bed for a whole week, then two, then permanently.

Seeing her took me back to her daddy’s first birthday and how cute and sweet he was as a child. It boggles my mind to try to understand how he went from that child to become the addicted person he is today. How could it happen? I know it wasn’t a path he deliberately chose, although the choices he made since then have taken him down a long road of pain and problems.

As recovering alcoholic Bill Webb said in a recent blog post, “Perhaps it might help to remember that no one wakes up one day and says, ‘Hey! It’s a nice day today—I think I’ll become an addict!’ All of us thought we could control it to begin with, and all of us were blind-sided by its power.”

It helped to read his words that followed: “I tell sponsees over and over that when we’re using we suffer from chemically-induced insanity—that we were literally not in our right minds—and still they are often unable to forgive themselves for what they have visited on themselves and others. How much harder it must be for those who have not experienced the power of drugs and alcohol first hand to understand the mindless compulsion that shapes every minute of an active addict’s life.”

Yes, it is so hard to understand. And the saga continues.

Hopefully, THIS will be the week my son and his wife decide to walk away from the insanity they’ve been living for months now. Before immediate consequences extend into lengthy ones. Or their baby is left with life-long scars.

More ups and downs

The very same day I received some exciting personal news this week, life came crashing in on my son.

Another ride on that emotional roller coaster. But for some reason, maybe because we've been prepared for this, or maybe because I'm doing better at taking each day--each hour--as it comes, it hasn't been so devastating for me. I've also chosen to look at the positive side of the situation.

First of all, I'm grateful he's still alive. Whatever he faces in the coming months and years, I know God has granted him mercy and will give him the support he needs. I know the man my son is deep down and can just imagine the man he will become when he's not using drugs.

I'm grateful for my family and that my daughter is able to support her brother in a way that's healthy, with boundaries. I'm glad that the baby can spend some more time with her daddy when he's clean and sober, and hope she will realize and remember, even at her early age, that he loves her deeply.

And above all, we do hope this will be the beginning of his recovery that will last the rest of his life.

Then just when I needed another good dose of hope and encouragement, I found this story in Sober 24 Highlights. Take a moment and read it. Come back and let me know if you were as moved by it as I was.

http://www.sober24.com/Highlights/40/vobId__727/

A story of hope

Somehow it makes sense to focus on hope this Memorial Day.

As families across the country have sacrificed in recent years to fight a war outside our country, other families have been personally touched by the other war—the war raging around drugs in our own state, county, city, and home.

Today, I don’t know how my son is doing, where he is living, or even if he is alive. But I’ve chosen to entrust his life and well-being to my Higher Power, the God of the Universe, so I can go on with my own life.

And that’s why this story of hope from Pryor, Oklahoma, encourages me today.

I know there is hope. Some days, it’s just so hard to find.

Whether you have an addict in your life or not, what gives you hope today?

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Addiction and free will

I read recently that Harvard Provost Stephen Hyman gave a lecture titled, “Compulsion and the Brain: Subverting the Concept of Self-Control.” It reminded me of a conversation I once had with my addicted son, then in his 20s.

So the question is: once addicted, how much choice DOES a person have in using? Do they go on autopilot and just feed the need? Or is there some point at which they can actually stop and evaluate the situation?

In the conversation with my son, I pointed out that the first time he was offered some, he clearly made the choice to use. He agreed. After that, he said, it was harder to tell when it was a choice vs. an automatic reaction. But more than once in the past 14 years, he did make the decision to stop using. Relapse has always followed.

Please take just a minute and read a short portion of Dr. Hyman’s lecture transcript that’s posted at http://www.dawnfarm.org/2007/05/addiction-illuminates-concept-of-free.html. He describes the changes that happen in the circuitry of the brain that cause a person to lose control over goal-setting and goal-seeking.

As a result, because the addicts’ brains are so compromised, Hyman says it is necessary for others — families, friends, and institutions — to fill in and act almost like “a prosthesis” for the brain functions that are missing or disabled. In order to succeed, however, they must be “absolutely relentless,” added Hyman.

But that raises the question, how can family members fill in for missing or disabled brain functions and still maintain a healthy perspective? How can we continue to pull away from a codependent relationship and offer that help without enabling?

Does anyone out there know?

His final point was one of responsibility. “Drug addiction is a very dramatic form of compulsion,” he said. “We are probably a little less in control than we’d like to believe we are.” Nevertheless, Hyman believes that addicts should still be held responsible for their actions.“The fiction that they are responsible may be what gets them to change their behavior,” he said. “A society that errs on the side of holding people responsible is better than a society that errs on the side of giving people excuses.”

There are actually clinically proven reasons for holding people responsible for their actions, Hyman said. Experiments have shown that people function better and are more able to deal with stress when they feel that they are in control.“We are wired for personal responsibility, even if it’s a bit fictional.”

What about the children?

Today my beautiful soon-to-be one-year old granddaughter is safe. She is at the home of grandparents in another state, far from the dangerous choices and actions of her addicted father. Yes, he loves her. No father could have been more elated or joyful when she was born last summer.

But in recent months, this little family has been turned upside down by her daddy’s relapse. And I have feared for her safety as I know meth addicts can be unpredictable and turn violent.

Then I came across this article today. http://www.tucsoncitizen.com/daily/local/52772.php

My heart goes out to these children. Also to their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and yes, even the addicted parents whose choices and actions have made the earliest years of these children’s lives so difficult and danger-filled.

I’m not close enough to see this photo display in the Tucson area, but I would encourage you to view it if you are. Then come back and tell us what you thought and felt.

Detachment, anyone?

Everyone knows that addiction to drugs or alcohol affects not only the addict but also the people in their lives. It strains, stresses and often breaks relationships with those who care for and love them deeply.

Spouses and other family members often find themselves in the midst of chaos, as if a storm were swirling around them. New problems surface, old issues read their ugly heads once again, and everyone assumes their places for act 3 (or 4, 5, or 6) of “Here We Go Again.”

But it’s so tiring to re-live the same scenes, over and over again. Alanon and other 12-step recovery programs teach that changing the patterns of a relationship starts by changing ourselves. Usually we are required to step back from the situation, untangle our emotions and take care of ourselves.

That may not be easy to do, and since change doesn’t happen overnight, it can start with small steps.

In her book Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People, Elizabeth B. Brown writes:

Detachment is releasing someone to be responsible for himself and to bear the responsibility of his own actions. Detachment gives us the objectivity necessary to look at our situation and glean from it the possible good, the lesson that can make the next steps in our walk more steady and focused, and move us toward our goal. Detachment is ceasing to worry and changing our focus, perhaps heroically, from the other person to what is good for us in our life.

Some days, I feel my efforts to detach have been fairly successful. Other days, I'm not so sure.

I wonder how other people have done it. How have you detached from your situation with the addict you care about? What helped? Was it something someone said, something you read, or something else?

Share it here. I would love to know how you’ve done it and how you are doing.