The longest year yet

Or will it be the shortest?

My son has passed the one-year mark and we’re overjoyed that we can now say he has “LESS THAN ONE YEAR” to serve of his two-and-a-half year sentence in Arizona’s Department of Corrections.

Hopefully, the days will fly by for him, his wife and daughter, and all who know and love him, and then he’ll be in the loving arms of his family.

Let’s get this out of the way first. Does he deserve to be there? Of course. His actions and choices made in the throes of his addiction determined his consequences. In fact, considering the state’s strict sentencing code that leaves no room for a judge to consider a case on its own merits, his 2.5 years are actually a lenient sentence.

But I can see how my daughter-in-law struggles with missing him as much or more now than in the early days of his incarceration. As his mother, seeing him in a prison environment is painful. But seeing what his 3-year-old daughter is feeling is far more painful.

She was just 18 months old when he went away, so she couldn’t verbalize her feelings at that time. Now she can.

At our last prison visit earlier this month, she asked, “Daddy, can you come home with me today?”

Her mom said she knows all the kids’ fathers at the day care center and wonders why her daddy can’t be there with her.

Thinking back to the early days, when I knew there was a problem but didn’t know what to do about it, I’d still like to strangle our neighborhood drug dealer.

Am I totally nuts or have you ever felt this way? When does that pain ease?

And there’s an even bigger concern. Will my son--could he--ever relapse again? Let me know about your own experiences and pain.

My first exposure to huffing

A recent episode of the “Intervention” series on A&E highlighted a young woman who was addicted to huffing. Since we’re accustomed to seeing needles, powder and pipes or massive numbers of bottles on this program, it was strange to see her affinity for everyday aerosol cans.

Although her drug of choice was different than those I’m more familiar with, the resulting chaos in her life looked just the same. As her loved ones watched her life waste away before their eyes, they experienced the same pain as does the family of an alcoholic or meth addict.

They felt there wasn’t much time left, and they had to take action if she were going to stay alive. It’s the way most families feel when a loved one’s addiction to alcohol or illicit drugs has deepened and the addict’s life has become a train wreck.

It was truly a case of “life or death.” Thankfully, we saw this young woman move from a position that was seriously resistant to going into treatment, to a patient who was learning and growing, more committed to the next steps in her recovery.

It gives me hope when I see the transformation that can occur. I trust you’re encouraged by these programs too.

http://ncadistore.samhsa.gov/catalog/facts.aspx?topic=5

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Mental illness and addiction are national issues

Anyone who cares about someone with a mental illness or substance abuse problem knows the difficulties it creates. Often, help just isn’t available to them and life becomes a vicious cycle.

As the national election approaches, it’s the ideal time to bring these issues to the attention of the presidential candidates. Join Together has made it easy to voice your concerns through a petition developed by the Whole Health Coalition.

If you haven’t already done so, please add your name to this petition calling on the presidential candidates and their parties to make these reforms a priority. Whole Health Campaign leaders will deliver it to the candidates and party leaders.

Don't miss this opportunity to voice your concerns about the level of care in this country for those who need help with mental health and substance abuse problems.

http://members.jointogether.org/campaign/wholehealthcampaign/

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Finding freedom in prison

What happened to February? It’s a real blur to me. The cross-country move during January, in a U-Haul and towing my car, went off without a hitch. We were blessed with fair weather and no mechanical problems all 2,300 miles—phew!

Then things went sideways. Just one day after arriving, my son was to have been taken into custody to begin serving time for his involvement in unlawful activity about a year ago. We thought, then everyone will be able to get on with life.

But as often happens in the justice system, a delay occurred and he had the opportunity to be “free” for another month.

That took us deep into the pit of his addiction. I was ready to dial 911 more than once. I had to choose: would I be the one to determine which day would be his last day of "freedom"?

The drama dragged on. Living under the same roof, I set my boundaries, went to a Nar-anon meeting and read literature that helped me keep my priorities straight. Harder to accept than the damaged walls and broken possessions was seeing my son imprisoned by the drug that had captured his mind and body.

Today, he’s in protective custody—in a cell 23 hours of the day, sometimes with cellmates and sometimes not. For the past ten days he’s been detoxing, reading, thinking. I could hear the difference in his voice over the phone, and then I visited with him yesterday.

Today, he is free. Without the drug, his body may be imprisoned but his mind is now free to move ahead to the future. Envisioning the kind of husband and father he wants desperately to be for his family. The kind of committed, diligent employee and future business owner he sees himself to be.

Overcoming addiction isn’t usually an easy process. It may not be an easy transition.

But I’m grateful, proud and hopeful that he is taking the first steps. Steps he’s never really taken before. As he put it, he is going to change all the things he needs to in order to become a different person and he’s going to ask God to change the rest.

That’s my prayer today too.


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Rehab and relapse . . .

Again, another new television series focusing on the problems of addiction. This time it features celebrities—some well-known names, others lesser known.

VH1 will begin airing “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew Pinsky” this coming Thursday and it may be helpful in educating the public about addiction as a life-long struggle. During the series, actor Daniel Baldwin says he’s been in rehab at least nine times. Just like the addicts in our families.

So many people don’t understand the battle. Parents and other family members do, though.

It can be so disappointing when a loved one relapses. With relapse comes a flood of memories, some of them very painful, when our child's previous drug or alcohol use had created a crisis involving their health, the well-being of family members, or the legal system that intervened. Followed by apprehension about what will happen next.

Maybe as this new series offers insight into the pain and emotional scars of these celebrities who battle their addictions, we’ll find new insight into coping with the ups and downs our own family members face. Let me know what you think.

The show debuts at 10 p.m. Thursday, January 10, on VH1.

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http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/jan/06/ba-rehab-and-relapse-go-hand-in-hand-series-shows/

Happy New Year?

Between traveling over the holidays and preparing for a cross-country move (the sixth in my lifetime!), I’ve been too busy to write. But so many thoughts have been rattling around in my head.

The new year brings with it a new phase of life. Some of us are anticipating all the good that may come with it, while others are dreading the changes that will happen.

This year will hold both sorrow and joy for my family. The consequences of addiction and relapse have been dealt out, and a price will be paid for unwise choices made while under the influence. It means change for all of us but big change for me.

After the past year which might best be described as a giant train wreck, I’m trusting that 2008 will bring good change. I’ll be able to see little ones grow, while spending more time with loved ones in recovery.

And I’m committed to maintaining balance in my own life, which will mean finding a good support group to help me make sure I don’t slip into codependency.

I'm expecting a year of adventure. What’s your plan for the new year?

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Uniting to confront and contain meth

Pinal County in Arizona is facing an “extreme” methamphetamine problem, according to county officials. At the only hospital in the county, the ER usually sees two methamphetamine addicts each day. And two or three of every 10 babies born there has a mother who is addicted to methamphetamine.

Moreover, law officials estimate that 70 percent of crime in the county is directly related to methamphetamine addiction.

So the Pinal County Anti-Meth Coalition is actively working to fight the problem head-on. And they’re doing it by pulling together existing community-based drug prevention coalitions.

What a novel idea! Instead of reinventing the wheel, they’re approaching the problem by gathering together people already involved in the fight, so they can communicate and move in the same direction, together.

Bravo! Too bad more communities haven’t realized the value of this approach.

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http://www.azstarnet.com/news/216357

Finding strength through support

There’s nothing like going through a crisis to make a person realize the importance of having the support of others. One’s church family can be more supportive than the birth family. And addicts and codependents who participate in 12-step recovery programs understand the need for support very well.

It’s also easier these days to find 24-hour support online—through social networks of others who share your problems, interests and values.

As this year draws to a close and my children face even more difficult days in the year ahead, I’m grateful for the support I’ve had in recent months from friends and family, nearby and across the country. I expect to turn to them in the coming months, and my shoulder will always be there for someone else to lean on when they need it.

If you’re going through tough times, who will you turn to for support?

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The Disease of Addiction

Five young people died of drug abuse during the last year in a small community outside Austin, Texas. The mother of 25-year-old Travis Morford, who died of an overdose of Xanax and alcohol, knew she had to do something.

So she and four other mothers founded Disease of Addiction, or DOA, to help people in their community think about underage drinking and drug use, and the risk of addiction. Kudos to them!

Their first public event, a town hall meeting at a local high school, was titled “I’m Your Disease” and drew 400 people. A great start . . . but can they really change the culture? Can they make a dent in the thinking that brought about the deaths of five young people in just one year? What do you think?

http://www.statesman.com/news/content/news/stories/local/11/23/1123addiction.html

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Crystal Darkness airs in Oregon

If you live in Oregon, be sure to tune in to a rare statewide broadcast. Learn more about the methamphetamine crisis when you watch "Crystal Darkness: Meth's Deadly Assault on Our Children.”

Television stations (including all in Portland) throughout the state will air the program from 7:30 to 8 p.m. tomorrow, October 9. The documentary “features powerful and honest testimonies of young people who have gone through addiction.”

Its message targets youth and their parents but is a valuable one for the entire community.

Don’t miss it.

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http://www.ktvz.com/Global/story.asp?S=7180508

Addiction, recovery and a few good laughs

It sounds like a novel way to share one's story of addiction and recovery. The Comedy Addiction Tour is hitting the road, four men telling one story: "More is never enough."

Their recent debut was in New Orleans, where Mark Lundholm, Kurtis Matthews, Billy Robinson and Jesse Joyce told the audience about their own experiences with addiction and recovery. Their stories are sobering, but they poke fun at themselves.

You can check out a nine-minute YouTube clip at the tour's website.

What do you think? Is their comedy too irreverent? Are addiction and recovery too serious to be treated with humor?

Being able to laugh at yourself is a good thing. And it sounds like these guys have achieved a level of sanity and psychological health that make it possible for them to do just that.

http://www.comedyaddictiontour.com/page/page/4468766.htm

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Have you seen 'A Mother's Desperation'?

I have not seen HBO's Addiction program. But I came upon their "Supplementary Series" and the short programs titled "A Mother's Desperation."

I could relate to the concern of this mother, having spent the first years of my son's addiction in the same general vicinity. Now that about 2000 miles separate us, the concern and angst--the desperation to do something constructive that can help get my child into detox and treatment--is no less than hers.

Take a few minutes and see how this mother handled it. If you've been through this, what do you think? Is she too involved? Should she have just let circumstances develop as they were?

Knowing that for some addicts, "hitting bottom" is death--is there a better way for families to help their addicted loved ones get into treatment?

I would appreciate hearing from you. The lives of my son, his wife and my one-year-old granddaughter are at stake.

http://www.hbo.com/addiction/thefilm/supplemental/6210_mothers_desperation.html

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Meth use linked to heart problems--this is news?

If an active methamphetamine addict cared what the drug was doing to his body, a recent study at the Scripps Research Institute might get his attention.

As if anyone whose life is touched by this insidious substance doesn't know, it can cause the heart to race. Heart attacks. Instant death. And usually at an early age.

But now, these researchers have identified medical complications resulting from prolonged use that had never been recognized before. These include numerous cardiovascular problems such as arrhythmias, intracranial bleeding and congestive heart failure.

The study also noted that methamphetamine reacts with proteins in the body, creating compounds that have been associated with Alzheimer's disease and diabetes.

It's not a pretty picture. Too bad the addict usually doesn't get it until the damage is done. As a society, we haven't begun to see the effects of this crisis, but the next 20 years will be telling.

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Thoughts in circles

This is one of those days when the thoughts just keep going in circles.

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks and a while since I’ve had a chance to write. So many thoughts, so little time.

I was able to see my son and his family last week, and my greatest concern was how the baby was doing after these chaotic months that happened to be key ones in her development.

The joy: she seems to be a healthy and happy about-to-turn-one-year old, and I was so blessed to get to see her really start to walk. After putting one or two steps together, she moved on to four, five and six steps at a time before falling. By the time I left, she was walking across the room without falling. Yay!!

The heartbreak: wondering if she is really getting the nurturing, hugs and kisses when she needs them. Wondering how long it will be before she can just go to sleep in her own bed for a whole week, then two, then permanently.

Seeing her took me back to her daddy’s first birthday and how cute and sweet he was as a child. It boggles my mind to try to understand how he went from that child to become the addicted person he is today. How could it happen? I know it wasn’t a path he deliberately chose, although the choices he made since then have taken him down a long road of pain and problems.

As recovering alcoholic Bill Webb said in a recent blog post, “Perhaps it might help to remember that no one wakes up one day and says, ‘Hey! It’s a nice day today—I think I’ll become an addict!’ All of us thought we could control it to begin with, and all of us were blind-sided by its power.”

It helped to read his words that followed: “I tell sponsees over and over that when we’re using we suffer from chemically-induced insanity—that we were literally not in our right minds—and still they are often unable to forgive themselves for what they have visited on themselves and others. How much harder it must be for those who have not experienced the power of drugs and alcohol first hand to understand the mindless compulsion that shapes every minute of an active addict’s life.”

Yes, it is so hard to understand. And the saga continues.

Hopefully, THIS will be the week my son and his wife decide to walk away from the insanity they’ve been living for months now. Before immediate consequences extend into lengthy ones. Or their baby is left with life-long scars.

More ups and downs

The very same day I received some exciting personal news this week, life came crashing in on my son.

Another ride on that emotional roller coaster. But for some reason, maybe because we've been prepared for this, or maybe because I'm doing better at taking each day--each hour--as it comes, it hasn't been so devastating for me. I've also chosen to look at the positive side of the situation.

First of all, I'm grateful he's still alive. Whatever he faces in the coming months and years, I know God has granted him mercy and will give him the support he needs. I know the man my son is deep down and can just imagine the man he will become when he's not using drugs.

I'm grateful for my family and that my daughter is able to support her brother in a way that's healthy, with boundaries. I'm glad that the baby can spend some more time with her daddy when he's clean and sober, and hope she will realize and remember, even at her early age, that he loves her deeply.

And above all, we do hope this will be the beginning of his recovery that will last the rest of his life.

Then just when I needed another good dose of hope and encouragement, I found this story in Sober 24 Highlights. Take a moment and read it. Come back and let me know if you were as moved by it as I was.

http://www.sober24.com/Highlights/40/vobId__727/

A story of hope

Somehow it makes sense to focus on hope this Memorial Day.

As families across the country have sacrificed in recent years to fight a war outside our country, other families have been personally touched by the other war—the war raging around drugs in our own state, county, city, and home.

Today, I don’t know how my son is doing, where he is living, or even if he is alive. But I’ve chosen to entrust his life and well-being to my Higher Power, the God of the Universe, so I can go on with my own life.

And that’s why this story of hope from Pryor, Oklahoma, encourages me today.

I know there is hope. Some days, it’s just so hard to find.

Whether you have an addict in your life or not, what gives you hope today?

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Addiction and free will

I read recently that Harvard Provost Stephen Hyman gave a lecture titled, “Compulsion and the Brain: Subverting the Concept of Self-Control.” It reminded me of a conversation I once had with my addicted son, then in his 20s.

So the question is: once addicted, how much choice DOES a person have in using? Do they go on autopilot and just feed the need? Or is there some point at which they can actually stop and evaluate the situation?

In the conversation with my son, I pointed out that the first time he was offered some, he clearly made the choice to use. He agreed. After that, he said, it was harder to tell when it was a choice vs. an automatic reaction. But more than once in the past 14 years, he did make the decision to stop using. Relapse has always followed.

Please take just a minute and read a short portion of Dr. Hyman’s lecture transcript that’s posted at http://www.dawnfarm.org/2007/05/addiction-illuminates-concept-of-free.html. He describes the changes that happen in the circuitry of the brain that cause a person to lose control over goal-setting and goal-seeking.

As a result, because the addicts’ brains are so compromised, Hyman says it is necessary for others — families, friends, and institutions — to fill in and act almost like “a prosthesis” for the brain functions that are missing or disabled. In order to succeed, however, they must be “absolutely relentless,” added Hyman.

But that raises the question, how can family members fill in for missing or disabled brain functions and still maintain a healthy perspective? How can we continue to pull away from a codependent relationship and offer that help without enabling?

Does anyone out there know?

His final point was one of responsibility. “Drug addiction is a very dramatic form of compulsion,” he said. “We are probably a little less in control than we’d like to believe we are.” Nevertheless, Hyman believes that addicts should still be held responsible for their actions.“The fiction that they are responsible may be what gets them to change their behavior,” he said. “A society that errs on the side of holding people responsible is better than a society that errs on the side of giving people excuses.”

There are actually clinically proven reasons for holding people responsible for their actions, Hyman said. Experiments have shown that people function better and are more able to deal with stress when they feel that they are in control.“We are wired for personal responsibility, even if it’s a bit fictional.”

What about the children?

Today my beautiful soon-to-be one-year old granddaughter is safe. She is at the home of grandparents in another state, far from the dangerous choices and actions of her addicted father. Yes, he loves her. No father could have been more elated or joyful when she was born last summer.

But in recent months, this little family has been turned upside down by her daddy’s relapse. And I have feared for her safety as I know meth addicts can be unpredictable and turn violent.

Then I came across this article today. http://www.tucsoncitizen.com/daily/local/52772.php

My heart goes out to these children. Also to their grandparents, aunts and uncles, and yes, even the addicted parents whose choices and actions have made the earliest years of these children’s lives so difficult and danger-filled.

I’m not close enough to see this photo display in the Tucson area, but I would encourage you to view it if you are. Then come back and tell us what you thought and felt.

Detachment, anyone?

Everyone knows that addiction to drugs or alcohol affects not only the addict but also the people in their lives. It strains, stresses and often breaks relationships with those who care for and love them deeply.

Spouses and other family members often find themselves in the midst of chaos, as if a storm were swirling around them. New problems surface, old issues read their ugly heads once again, and everyone assumes their places for act 3 (or 4, 5, or 6) of “Here We Go Again.”

But it’s so tiring to re-live the same scenes, over and over again. Alanon and other 12-step recovery programs teach that changing the patterns of a relationship starts by changing ourselves. Usually we are required to step back from the situation, untangle our emotions and take care of ourselves.

That may not be easy to do, and since change doesn’t happen overnight, it can start with small steps.

In her book Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People, Elizabeth B. Brown writes:

Detachment is releasing someone to be responsible for himself and to bear the responsibility of his own actions. Detachment gives us the objectivity necessary to look at our situation and glean from it the possible good, the lesson that can make the next steps in our walk more steady and focused, and move us toward our goal. Detachment is ceasing to worry and changing our focus, perhaps heroically, from the other person to what is good for us in our life.

Some days, I feel my efforts to detach have been fairly successful. Other days, I'm not so sure.

I wonder how other people have done it. How have you detached from your situation with the addict you care about? What helped? Was it something someone said, something you read, or something else?

Share it here. I would love to know how you’ve done it and how you are doing.

But that's not my REAL son

Earlier today I was talking with a family member about the latest crisis. It was similar to other conversations over the years: "That's not who he is REALLY. That's the Addict doing those things, not my son. My REAL son would never be so hurtful--he's caring, loving, giving. Not the monster out there today."

Not making excuses, believe me. His choices have brought him to this point. But I now understand more about the process that got him there.

According to author Craig Nakken (The Addictive Personality, Hazelden, 1996), the addicted personality is actually created by the illness of addiction and results from the addictive process that happens within a person. In Stage One of the three-stage addiction process, Nakken explains that the Self and the Addict emerge:

"The Self represents the 'normal,' human side that is consumed and transformed by the addiction. Eventully, the addicted person forms a dependent relationship with his or her own addictive personality."

So I wasn't crazy. It really is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation with the Self and the Addict arguing with each other at first, but the Self eventually being swallowed up by the Addict. It explains so much about their behavior, why they don't care about the people they actually love. They are truly not themselves.

The whole situation was different when he was younger and single. He hurt himself through the drug use--yes, his sister and I cared and felt the pain of the incarcerations, but ultimately, it was his life that he stifled. Our lives kept moving right on.

Now, after a stable period--marriage, a baby daughter, learning a trade and being recognized as a valued employee--something snapped, my REAL son is gone and the Addict is again fully in charge. This time, more dangerously than ever.

It's as though someone threw a huge rock into the lake--making the biggest ripples I've ever seen. The ripples created by that enormous methamphetamine rock now reach farther and wider, touching not just his family of origin but now, his own little family he helped create. How long will these ripples slap against our feet, taunting us with the questions?

One ripple whispers, Will this craziness ever end?
Another asks, When will his wife decide she's had enough, and walk away?
This one says, Will his little girl ever know the wonderful person he is inside--her daddy and my REAL son?
And I wonder, Will he even live through this episode?

It's a problem that has consumed not only my family, but families across our country. Read about the Methamphetamine Abuse Treatment and Prevention Act of 2007 recently introduced by Iowa Senator Tom Harkin.