Finding freedom in prison

What happened to February? It’s a real blur to me. The cross-country move during January, in a U-Haul and towing my car, went off without a hitch. We were blessed with fair weather and no mechanical problems all 2,300 miles—phew!

Then things went sideways. Just one day after arriving, my son was to have been taken into custody to begin serving time for his involvement in unlawful activity about a year ago. We thought, then everyone will be able to get on with life.

But as often happens in the justice system, a delay occurred and he had the opportunity to be “free” for another month.

That took us deep into the pit of his addiction. I was ready to dial 911 more than once. I had to choose: would I be the one to determine which day would be his last day of "freedom"?

The drama dragged on. Living under the same roof, I set my boundaries, went to a Nar-anon meeting and read literature that helped me keep my priorities straight. Harder to accept than the damaged walls and broken possessions was seeing my son imprisoned by the drug that had captured his mind and body.

Today, he’s in protective custody—in a cell 23 hours of the day, sometimes with cellmates and sometimes not. For the past ten days he’s been detoxing, reading, thinking. I could hear the difference in his voice over the phone, and then I visited with him yesterday.

Today, he is free. Without the drug, his body may be imprisoned but his mind is now free to move ahead to the future. Envisioning the kind of husband and father he wants desperately to be for his family. The kind of committed, diligent employee and future business owner he sees himself to be.

Overcoming addiction isn’t usually an easy process. It may not be an easy transition.

But I’m grateful, proud and hopeful that he is taking the first steps. Steps he’s never really taken before. As he put it, he is going to change all the things he needs to in order to become a different person and he’s going to ask God to change the rest.

That’s my prayer today too.


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Happy New Year?

Between traveling over the holidays and preparing for a cross-country move (the sixth in my lifetime!), I’ve been too busy to write. But so many thoughts have been rattling around in my head.

The new year brings with it a new phase of life. Some of us are anticipating all the good that may come with it, while others are dreading the changes that will happen.

This year will hold both sorrow and joy for my family. The consequences of addiction and relapse have been dealt out, and a price will be paid for unwise choices made while under the influence. It means change for all of us but big change for me.

After the past year which might best be described as a giant train wreck, I’m trusting that 2008 will bring good change. I’ll be able to see little ones grow, while spending more time with loved ones in recovery.

And I’m committed to maintaining balance in my own life, which will mean finding a good support group to help me make sure I don’t slip into codependency.

I'm expecting a year of adventure. What’s your plan for the new year?

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Finding strength through support

There’s nothing like going through a crisis to make a person realize the importance of having the support of others. One’s church family can be more supportive than the birth family. And addicts and codependents who participate in 12-step recovery programs understand the need for support very well.

It’s also easier these days to find 24-hour support online—through social networks of others who share your problems, interests and values.

As this year draws to a close and my children face even more difficult days in the year ahead, I’m grateful for the support I’ve had in recent months from friends and family, nearby and across the country. I expect to turn to them in the coming months, and my shoulder will always be there for someone else to lean on when they need it.

If you’re going through tough times, who will you turn to for support?

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Keeping it simple

Earlier this week, the daily entry in the little book One Day at a Time in Al-Anon offered me a good reminder.

As the mother of an actively using meth addict with a 1-year-old baby, my life can be full of uncertainty and turmoil—although they’re 2,000 miles away. In times of trouble, when my mind is racing, it can be hard to slow down, think through what’s happening and change my focus. But it helps to focus on one idea or concept that can bring quiet and serenity.

Often, I try to concentrate on gratitude. Listing those things for which I’m thankful, either mentally or on paper, focuses my thoughts and gives me a more positive outlook almost instantaneously.

When I’m trying to make a decision--especially one I’ve prayed about--the Al-Anon concept “Keep it simple” is an excellent reminder. It helps clear my mind so I can receive God’s guidance in the situations at hand.

A scripture that has been especially comforting to me throughout the past 14 years is Psalm 62:5-6—Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress—I will not be shaken.

I’m always interested in how others cope with their times of trouble. What have you found to be helpful?

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Addiction and free will

I read recently that Harvard Provost Stephen Hyman gave a lecture titled, “Compulsion and the Brain: Subverting the Concept of Self-Control.” It reminded me of a conversation I once had with my addicted son, then in his 20s.

So the question is: once addicted, how much choice DOES a person have in using? Do they go on autopilot and just feed the need? Or is there some point at which they can actually stop and evaluate the situation?

In the conversation with my son, I pointed out that the first time he was offered some, he clearly made the choice to use. He agreed. After that, he said, it was harder to tell when it was a choice vs. an automatic reaction. But more than once in the past 14 years, he did make the decision to stop using. Relapse has always followed.

Please take just a minute and read a short portion of Dr. Hyman’s lecture transcript that’s posted at http://www.dawnfarm.org/2007/05/addiction-illuminates-concept-of-free.html. He describes the changes that happen in the circuitry of the brain that cause a person to lose control over goal-setting and goal-seeking.

As a result, because the addicts’ brains are so compromised, Hyman says it is necessary for others — families, friends, and institutions — to fill in and act almost like “a prosthesis” for the brain functions that are missing or disabled. In order to succeed, however, they must be “absolutely relentless,” added Hyman.

But that raises the question, how can family members fill in for missing or disabled brain functions and still maintain a healthy perspective? How can we continue to pull away from a codependent relationship and offer that help without enabling?

Does anyone out there know?

His final point was one of responsibility. “Drug addiction is a very dramatic form of compulsion,” he said. “We are probably a little less in control than we’d like to believe we are.” Nevertheless, Hyman believes that addicts should still be held responsible for their actions.“The fiction that they are responsible may be what gets them to change their behavior,” he said. “A society that errs on the side of holding people responsible is better than a society that errs on the side of giving people excuses.”

There are actually clinically proven reasons for holding people responsible for their actions, Hyman said. Experiments have shown that people function better and are more able to deal with stress when they feel that they are in control.“We are wired for personal responsibility, even if it’s a bit fictional.”

Detachment, anyone?

Everyone knows that addiction to drugs or alcohol affects not only the addict but also the people in their lives. It strains, stresses and often breaks relationships with those who care for and love them deeply.

Spouses and other family members often find themselves in the midst of chaos, as if a storm were swirling around them. New problems surface, old issues read their ugly heads once again, and everyone assumes their places for act 3 (or 4, 5, or 6) of “Here We Go Again.”

But it’s so tiring to re-live the same scenes, over and over again. Alanon and other 12-step recovery programs teach that changing the patterns of a relationship starts by changing ourselves. Usually we are required to step back from the situation, untangle our emotions and take care of ourselves.

That may not be easy to do, and since change doesn’t happen overnight, it can start with small steps.

In her book Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People, Elizabeth B. Brown writes:

Detachment is releasing someone to be responsible for himself and to bear the responsibility of his own actions. Detachment gives us the objectivity necessary to look at our situation and glean from it the possible good, the lesson that can make the next steps in our walk more steady and focused, and move us toward our goal. Detachment is ceasing to worry and changing our focus, perhaps heroically, from the other person to what is good for us in our life.

Some days, I feel my efforts to detach have been fairly successful. Other days, I'm not so sure.

I wonder how other people have done it. How have you detached from your situation with the addict you care about? What helped? Was it something someone said, something you read, or something else?

Share it here. I would love to know how you’ve done it and how you are doing.